Hello all (or no one, depending on who actually reads any of this). I've decided to at least update, since it's been over two months.
Things have been going alright. I stalled right around 175-ish and hadn't moved a pound in either direction since my last post. I eventually decided to give my "tool" a chance to do its thing and get back on track.
Let me tell you, it is *not* easy. Quite frankly, I feel exactly as though I am on another in a long line of failed diets. Back to counting calories. You know, because that works so well! I can maintain a reasonable level of calorie intake during the week, when I am preoccupied by work (reasonable=under 1500 calories per day). The weekends are tough. My weightloss has been kinda rocky these past couple of months because I tend to gain back a great deal of what I lose during the week over the weekend!
I lack self control. I understand that about myself. Like many of us, I struggle with a mental need (or desire) to eat far past the point of what is prudent. I am human and I want to enjoy what I put in my mouth (yeah, okay, insert dirty joke here). As i have mentioned a million times, I have severe insulin resistance which makes it that much harder for me to control my appetite.
That said, I've been maintaining a weight of 167-ish. I am proud of every one of those 8 or so pounds I've struggled to lose over the past 2.5 months. I know I can do better than this, I just need to get food out of my head. I truly do not need much of it at all. I am rarely physically hungry. It's 90% in my head! As the surgeons tell us, they can only operate on our stomachs, not our brains (which is a damn shame).
So I'm about halfway to my final goal weight and less than 10 pounds away from a "normal" BMI. I do need to get my flabby butt to the gym, ASAP; I've lost over 30 pounds and still feel the same as I did when I was 200. I'm in the worst shape of my life. Living in Las Vegas has a huge downfall--you simply don't walk anywhere. When I lived in NYC, even after I bought a car, I still got around on foot and via subways due to the convenience. I can't wear any of my rings because they are all falling off my fingers, but I have flab on my inner thighs that I never had in my life. I was in better shape at 200 than I am at 167 and it's stupid. My husband now weighs 25 pounds more than me and still looks better (and I'm at least an inch taller!) than I do. Between working towards an MBA, a full-time, high stress career and trying to lose this extra weight, I'm feeling a bit taxed. I think I might shelf the graduate degree for now. I just don't have the time to devote to such a disgustingly math-y degree program at this point. Something's got to give, and it's not going to be my job (hello? I'd like to continue owning my home that I'm upside-down on) or my dietary/fitness goals. Not when I've invested this much time and money.
So to motivate myself, I've ordered a new iPod Nano. It has a built-in pedometer and is a tiny, clip on model with a touch screen. It should be arriving on Wednesday. After work, I'm joining the gym down the block (walking distance!), no more procrastinating. One thing I haven't been having an issue with is protein intake; I just need to kick my body into gear. I'm ready for it (I hope).
I'll end on that note. I expect to be back in the blogosphere once I hit 159 (aka normal BMI town).
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Oh, by the way, here is what I ate today:
Breakfast: Chike vanilla protein shake made with skim milk (300 calories or so)
Mid-morning snack: EAS protein bar (230 calories)
Lunch: DiGiornio frozen pepperoni pizza, 200 calorie portion (but I ate both, so 400 calories)
Afternoon snacks: snack bag of Sun Chips (140), sugar-free pudding cup (60) and two mini Milky Way bars (I don't know, maybe 100?)
Late-afternoon snacks: whole banana and peanut butter (at least 300 calories) and a Skinny Cow vanilla ice cream sandwich (140)
Dinner: potato skins with ground pork and melted cheese topped with plain Greek yogurt (430-ish).
After Dinner: another Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich (140)
After-After Dinner: Wendy's spicy chicken Go Wrap and a small chili with shredded cheese (probably 600 or so)
My calcium and omega-3 chews totaled 50 calories. I skipped the iron today.
It has been, by far, my worst day since surgery, food wise. I just couldn't stop eating. It is awful. I am going to see how tomorrow pans out; the protein shake is filling, as are the potato skins and the Wendy's meal. I think the rest amounts to slider foods, so I will try to avoid those non-filling calorie traps. The sad thing is, this is still less than what I would have had before surgery.
Hey, at least I got a ton of protein in today. :-/
Breakfast: Chike vanilla protein shake made with skim milk (300 calories or so)
Mid-morning snack: EAS protein bar (230 calories)
Lunch: DiGiornio frozen pepperoni pizza, 200 calorie portion (but I ate both, so 400 calories)
Afternoon snacks: snack bag of Sun Chips (140), sugar-free pudding cup (60) and two mini Milky Way bars (I don't know, maybe 100?)
Late-afternoon snacks: whole banana and peanut butter (at least 300 calories) and a Skinny Cow vanilla ice cream sandwich (140)
Dinner: potato skins with ground pork and melted cheese topped with plain Greek yogurt (430-ish).
After Dinner: another Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich (140)
After-After Dinner: Wendy's spicy chicken Go Wrap and a small chili with shredded cheese (probably 600 or so)
My calcium and omega-3 chews totaled 50 calories. I skipped the iron today.
It has been, by far, my worst day since surgery, food wise. I just couldn't stop eating. It is awful. I am going to see how tomorrow pans out; the protein shake is filling, as are the potato skins and the Wendy's meal. I think the rest amounts to slider foods, so I will try to avoid those non-filling calorie traps. The sad thing is, this is still less than what I would have had before surgery.
Hey, at least I got a ton of protein in today. :-/
Disappointed
It has a month plus a week or so since I had my surgery. I am down a net total of about 25 pounds (ten of those are from the pre-op diet). I am ravenously hungry all day long and can eat quite well (still not as "well" as I could beforehand), a lot more than I should be able to consume. 800 calories a day? Ha, not since I was on liquids. I probably did 2000 today, easily. I am hungry now, even. I don't know why I can eat so much. I have no restrictions, my sleeve hasn't met anything it won't tolerate. It isn't one of those cases of "oh, I *could* eat this, but I'd have to force it". No, when I say I can eat a lot, I mean I need to eat this much in order to stave off starvation. WTF?
Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have lost 25 pounds. That isn't easy, for anyone. But I don't expect to lose any more at this point. I just hope I don't gain any back.
I am so disappointed that I spent two months' salary for this. Money that I borrowed from my in-laws and will be paying back for the next couple of years, most likely.
Do I regret this surgery? Yes and no. Yes, because based on the experiences of hundreds of people far heavier than I was, I thought this would work. Yes, because I risked my life, more or less, to go to Mexico and have my insides cut open. Yes, because I wasted time and money that I will never get back. No, because hey, I did lose something. No, because (though I am out of test strips) my blood sugar levels have been decent. No, because I have been eating better and have become more aware of what I am putting in my mouth.
I would still recommend this surgery for anyone overweight and struggling. I realize that my experience is not typical. Most do quite well with this procedure. I guess my insulin resistance coupled with a large stomach to begin with doomed me from the start.
With all this said, I don't know if I will continue posting to this blog. If my situation changes or improves, I will update. But I'm not going to come here and just whine about my failure. There's no point. So see you on the flipside (maybe).
Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have lost 25 pounds. That isn't easy, for anyone. But I don't expect to lose any more at this point. I just hope I don't gain any back.
I am so disappointed that I spent two months' salary for this. Money that I borrowed from my in-laws and will be paying back for the next couple of years, most likely.
Do I regret this surgery? Yes and no. Yes, because based on the experiences of hundreds of people far heavier than I was, I thought this would work. Yes, because I risked my life, more or less, to go to Mexico and have my insides cut open. Yes, because I wasted time and money that I will never get back. No, because hey, I did lose something. No, because (though I am out of test strips) my blood sugar levels have been decent. No, because I have been eating better and have become more aware of what I am putting in my mouth.
I would still recommend this surgery for anyone overweight and struggling. I realize that my experience is not typical. Most do quite well with this procedure. I guess my insulin resistance coupled with a large stomach to begin with doomed me from the start.
With all this said, I don't know if I will continue posting to this blog. If my situation changes or improves, I will update. But I'm not going to come here and just whine about my failure. There's no point. So see you on the flipside (maybe).
Monday, July 5, 2010
How I Broke My Stall
My weight had been holding steady at 173-point-something for a good week or so. I was set to begin mushies tomorrow, but carefully began incorporating them (and other very soft solids) on Saturday, a few days early.
I don't feel like I progressed my nutrition plan too quickly; I managed the entire first two weeks after surgery on clear liquids and spent ten on full liquids.
I'm taking it as slowly as I possibly can and avoiding anything too dense. I'm in heaven with peanut butter, very ripe bananas, bits of mashed potatoes, applesauce, soft cheese, cream of wheat/oatmeal and finely mashed tuna salad.
The problem was, I was hungry! I was beginning to obssess about food and it was driving me insane. I stopped micromanaging my calorie intake and you know what? As soon as I allowed myself to consume more than 800-900 calories in a day, I broke my stall. I should have known better; if I was maintaining my pre-surgery weight with the nine zillion calories per day I was inhaling, it would only make sense that my metabolism would crawl into a hole and die on so very few calories post-op. I've shed another two pounds and my blood sugar has almost always been in the low-to-mid 100's.
I am open to the idea that some, if not all, of my "hunger" can be attributed to acid. I fully intend to start on Prilosec, probably tomorrow morning. I have about 14 pills of it left from before surgery and will start ordering it from Amazon on their subscription plan--the price works out to around six buck more per YEAR than my co-pay for the generic version--and no annoying extra trips to the doctor or pharmacy! Hell, my co-pay for one office visit is more than six bucks, so I'm actually saving money and precious time by ordering my PPI over the internet. Awesome.
I don't feel like I progressed my nutrition plan too quickly; I managed the entire first two weeks after surgery on clear liquids and spent ten on full liquids.
I'm taking it as slowly as I possibly can and avoiding anything too dense. I'm in heaven with peanut butter, very ripe bananas, bits of mashed potatoes, applesauce, soft cheese, cream of wheat/oatmeal and finely mashed tuna salad.
The problem was, I was hungry! I was beginning to obssess about food and it was driving me insane. I stopped micromanaging my calorie intake and you know what? As soon as I allowed myself to consume more than 800-900 calories in a day, I broke my stall. I should have known better; if I was maintaining my pre-surgery weight with the nine zillion calories per day I was inhaling, it would only make sense that my metabolism would crawl into a hole and die on so very few calories post-op. I've shed another two pounds and my blood sugar has almost always been in the low-to-mid 100's.
I am open to the idea that some, if not all, of my "hunger" can be attributed to acid. I fully intend to start on Prilosec, probably tomorrow morning. I have about 14 pills of it left from before surgery and will start ordering it from Amazon on their subscription plan--the price works out to around six buck more per YEAR than my co-pay for the generic version--and no annoying extra trips to the doctor or pharmacy! Hell, my co-pay for one office visit is more than six bucks, so I'm actually saving money and precious time by ordering my PPI over the internet. Awesome.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Withdrawal!
Ugh, I ran out of my beloved Chike protein powder. I've since placed an enormous order with my 25% off coupon, but it won't be here until some time Tuesday. I've been doing my best to choke down low carb Slimfast and other semi-rancid proteins. Most of what I have around my house, from my pre-op days, is utter crap. Low quality (ie the $18 garbage from Walmart that I used in frozen smoothies) or just plain rank (ie chocolate Isagenix or the plain GNC powder).
I'm finding that I am not really a fan of Greek yogurt either. The plain is alright, mixed in with tomato soup, but the flavored versions I've tried on their own just taste gross to me. I guess I was never a huge yogurt person to begin with. I will continue to use the plain in place of sour cream, but I will have to stick to regular yogurts (or none at all!) for snacking.
So now my full liquid diet isn't much fun anymore. I miss my Chike; why does shipping have to be sooo slow?
I also went on Amazon and ordered a tub of Click mocha espresso protein powder. There were a few negative reviews, but I rarely hear anything bad about that protein as far as taste/consistency. It was reasonably priced with the subscription (and free shipping), so I'm giving it a shot. If I don't like it it, I'll just cancel the subscription. I am (was) a major Starbucks freak, so hopefully this will tame my addiction, which I have not satisfied in like a month.
So I had a "moment" last night. I was starving (relatively speaking) when I got home from work last night. My loving husband had brought home a pizza from my favorite Vegas spot! Let me tell you, having spent the first 28 years of my life growing up in New York City, I am a major pizza snob! This one pizza joint out here--one out of the zillions I tried and threw out--is the only place that has the equivalent of decent NY pizza. It was one of my favorite indulgences pre-op.
So the husband brings home this pizza. By the time I got home, it was cold and mostly eaten. And at least it wasn't pepperoni and mushroom, my drug of choice. Then I would have had to kill him. It was grilled chicken and mushroom, which is not normally something I'd get on my pie. But it looked really friggin' good! So I did what any rational person would do-- I ate a slice. And before you freak out, let me say that by "eat a slice" I actually mean "shamefully chewed each bite and spit it out into the sink without swallowing". It isn't something I'd want to do again. How horrible is it to have that wonderful taste in your mouth and get no satisfaction from it? I know that someday I will be able to eat pizza again, even if it is only one slice (or half a slice, even). I will wait; it would have been just too damn easy to swallow one of those bites and destroy my insides!
I am really jonesing though. I've been having all kinds of food dreams lately. Really mundane stuff, like I had a vivid dream about eating buttered toast with an over-easy fried egg. Yummy. My hunger is definitely returning, with a vengeance. Don't get me wrong, it is nothing compared to my pre-op hunger, but it is still a bitch. The liquids just don't do it for me anymore and I can get in a lot of them. It will be great to start eating dense foods, not liquids or mush. Something that can fill me up and actually tastes good. I'll be good though and wait until I'm allowed to eat those things. It is a slippery slope, especially for someone like me who can down a 48oz porterhouse and ask for dessert (that really happened, and I had appetizers, soup and salad too).
I'm finding that I am not really a fan of Greek yogurt either. The plain is alright, mixed in with tomato soup, but the flavored versions I've tried on their own just taste gross to me. I guess I was never a huge yogurt person to begin with. I will continue to use the plain in place of sour cream, but I will have to stick to regular yogurts (or none at all!) for snacking.
So now my full liquid diet isn't much fun anymore. I miss my Chike; why does shipping have to be sooo slow?
I also went on Amazon and ordered a tub of Click mocha espresso protein powder. There were a few negative reviews, but I rarely hear anything bad about that protein as far as taste/consistency. It was reasonably priced with the subscription (and free shipping), so I'm giving it a shot. If I don't like it it, I'll just cancel the subscription. I am (was) a major Starbucks freak, so hopefully this will tame my addiction, which I have not satisfied in like a month.
So I had a "moment" last night. I was starving (relatively speaking) when I got home from work last night. My loving husband had brought home a pizza from my favorite Vegas spot! Let me tell you, having spent the first 28 years of my life growing up in New York City, I am a major pizza snob! This one pizza joint out here--one out of the zillions I tried and threw out--is the only place that has the equivalent of decent NY pizza. It was one of my favorite indulgences pre-op.
So the husband brings home this pizza. By the time I got home, it was cold and mostly eaten. And at least it wasn't pepperoni and mushroom, my drug of choice. Then I would have had to kill him. It was grilled chicken and mushroom, which is not normally something I'd get on my pie. But it looked really friggin' good! So I did what any rational person would do-- I ate a slice. And before you freak out, let me say that by "eat a slice" I actually mean "shamefully chewed each bite and spit it out into the sink without swallowing". It isn't something I'd want to do again. How horrible is it to have that wonderful taste in your mouth and get no satisfaction from it? I know that someday I will be able to eat pizza again, even if it is only one slice (or half a slice, even). I will wait; it would have been just too damn easy to swallow one of those bites and destroy my insides!
I am really jonesing though. I've been having all kinds of food dreams lately. Really mundane stuff, like I had a vivid dream about eating buttered toast with an over-easy fried egg. Yummy. My hunger is definitely returning, with a vengeance. Don't get me wrong, it is nothing compared to my pre-op hunger, but it is still a bitch. The liquids just don't do it for me anymore and I can get in a lot of them. It will be great to start eating dense foods, not liquids or mush. Something that can fill me up and actually tastes good. I'll be good though and wait until I'm allowed to eat those things. It is a slippery slope, especially for someone like me who can down a 48oz porterhouse and ask for dessert (that really happened, and I had appetizers, soup and salad too).
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Let's Talk About Sex, Baby...
How long did you wait before returning to a normal sex life with your partner? Was it hard?
I'm still waiting, just haven't been feeling it. Though I feel great, comparatively speaking, I am in no mood to have sex. Nothing at all, I'm just too tired from everything.
My husband is not a happy camper and I feel bad. Not that I am an animal in bed or anything like that, but it's got to be hard for someone not going through the changes I am to not have any physical, um, "comfort" from his wife.
I don't mean to be frigid and I am trying to get back to a good place. I know that a healthy sex life is integral to a happy marriage. I understand the health benefits and calorie-burning potential of a good 'ol fling. I'll get there, soon.
I'm still waiting, just haven't been feeling it. Though I feel great, comparatively speaking, I am in no mood to have sex. Nothing at all, I'm just too tired from everything.
My husband is not a happy camper and I feel bad. Not that I am an animal in bed or anything like that, but it's got to be hard for someone not going through the changes I am to not have any physical, um, "comfort" from his wife.
I don't mean to be frigid and I am trying to get back to a good place. I know that a healthy sex life is integral to a happy marriage. I understand the health benefits and calorie-burning potential of a good 'ol fling. I'll get there, soon.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Last Suppers
Did you have a "last meal" before your surgery? How long before? What did you have?
I think I had a couple of weeks' worth of "last meals". The only thing that stopped me in my tracks was illness. Yes, I got very sick two weeks before my surgery date. Vomitting, diarrhea, nausea--the whole nine. I've had a mystery illness every year for the past several years. It always hits around the same time and comes up for 24hours at a time every week (to the day) until I finally go to the emergency room. Once I seek medical attention, I'm told something riduculous like nothing is wrong with me or that it's due to my diabetes (doubtful; this condition preceded the diabetes by several years). I've never been able to quite figure it out.
But anyway, I was hit by my mystery illness. I medicated, took a day off from work and hoped for the best. The best didn't happen and I got sick again, one week later. Since that second sick day was exactly one week before my surgery date, I started my liquid diet immediately. The thought of getting sick again was enough to keep me honest. I did not consume one, single, non-liquid calorie that entire week prior to surgery. So my actual last meal was a roast beef sandwich on rye with mayo and fruit salad from Jason's deli (at work, before I got sick again later that same day). Pretty boring, but I tell myself I got my last licks in aplenty before that.
I went to my favorite sushi joint with my coworkers. I had my absolute favorite meal from my local Thai takeout spot. I had In-n-Out burger, Dominos thin crust pizza. Hot wings from KFC, more than once. Ungodly-sized loaded baked potatos from Jason's Deli. My husband and I went to the Bellagio buffet and pigged out hardcore. I lived it up, as mortifying as that may sound considering my weight problems. My nutty insulin resistance kept me from gaining, but I am astounded by the sheer amount of awful (but delicious) "last suppers" I horked down.
It's all over with now. I do not mourn the loss of these ultimate comfort foods. I take solace in the fact that I'll most likely be able to have all of these foods again in a few months, albeit in far more reasonable portions.
I think I had a couple of weeks' worth of "last meals". The only thing that stopped me in my tracks was illness. Yes, I got very sick two weeks before my surgery date. Vomitting, diarrhea, nausea--the whole nine. I've had a mystery illness every year for the past several years. It always hits around the same time and comes up for 24hours at a time every week (to the day) until I finally go to the emergency room. Once I seek medical attention, I'm told something riduculous like nothing is wrong with me or that it's due to my diabetes (doubtful; this condition preceded the diabetes by several years). I've never been able to quite figure it out.
But anyway, I was hit by my mystery illness. I medicated, took a day off from work and hoped for the best. The best didn't happen and I got sick again, one week later. Since that second sick day was exactly one week before my surgery date, I started my liquid diet immediately. The thought of getting sick again was enough to keep me honest. I did not consume one, single, non-liquid calorie that entire week prior to surgery. So my actual last meal was a roast beef sandwich on rye with mayo and fruit salad from Jason's deli (at work, before I got sick again later that same day). Pretty boring, but I tell myself I got my last licks in aplenty before that.
I went to my favorite sushi joint with my coworkers. I had my absolute favorite meal from my local Thai takeout spot. I had In-n-Out burger, Dominos thin crust pizza. Hot wings from KFC, more than once. Ungodly-sized loaded baked potatos from Jason's Deli. My husband and I went to the Bellagio buffet and pigged out hardcore. I lived it up, as mortifying as that may sound considering my weight problems. My nutty insulin resistance kept me from gaining, but I am astounded by the sheer amount of awful (but delicious) "last suppers" I horked down.
It's all over with now. I do not mourn the loss of these ultimate comfort foods. I take solace in the fact that I'll most likely be able to have all of these foods again in a few months, albeit in far more reasonable portions.
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